Posted May 31 2016
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Out Of The Shadows - This Movie SO Doesn't Rock

Dir: Dave Green

Starring Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Laura Linney, Tyler Perry

There are two ways to approach reviewing a new TMNT movie. First, we’ve already spent over an hour and a half watching it – so why waste anymore time?

Secondly, and more fairly – give it its due. (Or – see the above.)

Thirdly, in other words – it’s just not very good.

To put it in perspective – we never liked the comic, weren’t bothered by the cartoon (in all its iterations), the ‘90s films weren’t up to much (though always liked Elias Koteas.)

And the recent Michael Bay reboot may well have stormed the box office – but all we could say is “How?”

So it would be easy to say that we went into this wearing a hat that read “Not overly objective.” Not so. We stuck with it for the beginning, and it was OK. But – bearing in mind this is a film largely aimed at a kids’ audience - by the time we got to Mr Bay once again heavily sexualizing Megan Fox (and a bunch of what appeared to be school girls to boot) it’d kind of lost us.

After that, it is of course ridiculous to pick holes in the plot of something that is at its height aiming to emulate Saturday morning cartoons – but there were some examples of such gaping plot holes and ill thought out dialogue here that we’d be embarrassed to even bother to repeat it. Doesn’t matter what level you pitch something at – it has to have its own internal logic. And this lacks it on both the internal and external levels.

Plus, as last time around, it completely wastes Will Arnett. And Stephen Amell’s Casey Jones – well, that kinda died on the page.

Its Ghostbusters-aping ending may well spoil this summer’s Ghostbusters-aping remake in its obviousness – but it doesn’t endear in anyway. (And as for Laura Linney being here – clearly a mortgage payment or two were due.)

This will undoubtedly delight many and make plenty of money. But just be aware - the gags don’t work, the pacing is relentless (and not in a good way), the Bay aesthetic just gets duller the more it refuses to grow or adapt. And this, very simply, is witless. The kind of movie you start off hoping will carry you through, and then you very quickly turn to the phrase “Jesus, will it ever end?”

 

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