Posted Feb 25 2019
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Last Word Live Blogs The Oscars 2019

And. Here. We. Go. Again! The last night of the season, and undoubtedly the biggest. And in many ways the most uncertain. Possibly, even the most disastrous. One thing we know for certain – there will be no host.

That, of course, is not the only thing we know for sure – we also know there’ll be no Popular Oscar award, no awards handed out during ad breaks, no sign of Kevin Hart whatsoever, no show for Kendrick Lamar and his Panther song, and not too much in the way of surprises. (Although it would be nice if Richard E. Grant and his hard-working joy upset the Ali applecart – he even went round to Melissa McCarthy’s house this morning and made everyone eggs and bounced on her kids’ trampoline!) We’re sticking with our predictions pretty much all the way – so it’ll be Malek, Close, Ali, King, Alfonso, the all-singing Gaga and yes, Green Book at the end. Sorry Roma, they’re just not ready to embrace Netflix yet, although it will take Best Foreign Language and Alfonso will join Alejandro Inarritu as a double Oscar winner tonight – poor Guillermo, he only has one!

But before all that, in an effort to keep the ceremony down to under three hours (won’t happen!) it’s good to see they’ve expanded the Red Carpet to what now feels, like, forever. Also great to see that Ryan Seacrest is still alive and vacuous, and that after all that #MeToo stuff, they’re back to just asking women “who” they’re wearing! (Pink is the “trend of the night”, apparently.)

And so to the event itself. With no host to kick things off, no monologue to name drop and tease the celebs present – how can they possibly open the show? With the mighty Queen, that’s how. Here to blow the roof off and leave the audience – both in the building and all over the world – thinking, “Host? What host?”

And this they do with blinding versions of We Will Rock You and We Are The Campions, (Beyonce and Jay Z sing along) with Adam Lambert a fine stand-in for Rami Malek (or somebody), but they don’t do Bo Rap itself, thus missing the opportunity to ask the relevant Awards ceremony question – “Is this the real life/Is this just fantasy?”

Then a fine montage of the year’s finest.

91st time’s the charm and here comes Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler who are “not your hosts.” And they will be “presenting commercials during the Awards.” And everyone gets a cheese sandwich from the Fyre festival - should have had them host.

They’re actually here to hand out Best Supporting Actress – not a very bald Sam Rockwell (he’s been playing a very bald Bob Fosse), thus breaking with tradition. Amy Adams already has six, no wins (needs to be seven if you follow the Close dynamic) and Weisz and Stone probably cancel each other out. So the Oscar goes to…Regina King, well supported by the audience. “God is good. All the time”, apparently.

Jason Momoa is teamed with Helen Mirren  - finally! And yes, pink does appear to be the trend of the evening. They’re here to hand out Best Documentary Feature which they do so to Free Solo – all hail the National Geographic. Vertiginous footage accompanies.

Rage Against The Machine’s Tom Morello somewhat incongruously shows up to introduce Vice in its Best Picture nom capacity.

Elsie Fisher and Stephan James

Hair and Make-Up is up next and here to do the honours is Elsie Fisher and Stephan James, and the award goes to – strangely enough given Morello’s moment – Vice. Deservedly so. Bale is in the audience, looking slim again. He even almost smiles during the winner’s somewhat awkward speech – they’re getting played off now that they’ve finally hit their stride. (Bound to have forgotten someone.)

Bryan Tyree Henry and Melissa McCarthy are up next to be funny with a bunny, dressed in period gear to hand out Costume Design, which goes to Black Panther. A very popular choice – we thought it was going to The Favourite. A comic book movie wins an Oscar that isn’t for Special Effects! Winner Ruth Carter thanks Spike Lee for giving her her start.  “Adding Vibranium to costumes is very expensive.” Nice speech – Mum’s the original superhero.

Jennifer Lopez and John Krasinski are up for Production Design – can the Panther upset The Favourite again? And yes it can! Black Panther wins two in a row – the evening’s current leader. Wakanda Forever indeed – does this mean it’s going all the way? Ryan Coogler sounds like he might be God. As are Marvel – cut to Kevin Feige in the audience, looking nervous, like he thinks he could now win the biggie.

Oh no, two words you’d never imagine hearing at the Oscars – Tyler Perry. He’s here to talk about Community – that’s a TV show, surely? No, no, appears he’s here for Cinematography, which as we all know is going to Alfonso for Roma…and it does, making him the first director to win an Oscar for shooting his own movie. He actually – very briefly – thanks Netflix this time. Also big up to Emmanuel Lubezki.

Emilia Clarke gets to go solo with the first song - I’ll Fight from RBG (makes a gag about lending her dragons to Ruth Bader Ginsberg.). Unfortunately, Jennifer Hudson is singing this Diane Warren song, so expect it to be loud and with Hudson adding at least eight notes where one would do.

Fresh from Meghan’s baby shower, Serena Williams is up to introduce clips from A Star Is Born – they’re going for some weird choices on this bit.

James McAvoy and Danai Gurira – an X Man and a zombie slayer – do their silly voice volume things for Sound Editing. Can the King of Wakanda beat the Queen of Queen? Er, no – Bo Rap takes it. Which is nice, but it should’ve gone to First Man. Go on – mention Bryan Singer! We dare you!

Can Mixing be far behind? Nope – James and Danai stick around to do so. Have a feeling the Bo Rap team will be back again…and here they – deservedly are. Go on – mention Bryan Singer! We dare you! They cut to Queen in the audience – oh my God, Angie from EastEnders has made it to the Oscars!!!

Queen Latifah is here to introduce The Favourite – another odd choice until she makes the “It’s good to be the Queen” gag.

Angela Bassett teams with Javier Bardem – he makes a wall reference – for Best Foreign Language Film and is this the one they give Roma so they don’t have to give Best Picture to a Netflix movie? Yes, it is – Alfonso is back on stage with another win for his childhood memoir. Brilliantly describes Citizen Kane, Jaws and The Godfather as Foreign Language films in his acceptance speech.

Keegan-Michael Key drops in – literally – Poppins style, to introduce Best Song nom The Place Where Lost Things Go, sung somewhat brilliantly by Bette Midler.  Would have been a clear winner in any year that didn’t have a Shallow in play.

Black Panther for Best Film is coming up soon. What complete random will they get to intro it? It’s Trevor Noah – makes sense this time. And he’s funny.

The great Michael Keaton is here to hand out the Editing gong. We called John Ottman for saving Bo Rap, but it goes to – YES! John Ottman. Bo Rap now ahead of Panther in terms of wins. Go on, mention Bryan Singer! We dare you!! (He has worked on nearly all his movies, after all, so it wouldn’t be unreasonable. Or would it?)  

Bond Daniel Craig and Atomic Blonde Charlize Theron are teamed together for Best Supporting Actor (not Alison Janney, again breaking with tradition) – can Richard E (he gets the biggest cheer) break Mahershala’s streak? We’d love to see it – and the Oscar goes to…Mahershala Ali – hugs Viggo – who gets his double. Appears to be wearing a woolly cap – is it cold in there? Dedicates it to his grandmother – who has repeated numerous clichés to him all his life, it appears.

Laura Dern is on to talk about the new Academy Of Motion Pictures Museum. Looks like it might be a cool day out – if they ever finish it.

Michelle Yeoh and Pharrell Williams are teamed to quote the Bible…oh, no they’re here for Animated Feature, which they seem to be saying are just for kids. We know it’s Spider-Verse when it should’ve been Isle of Dogs, and it is. Another win for Marvel, though. Wouldn’t it be wild if they won Best Animated and Best Picture in the same year? Could still happen. Lord and Miller are now making it a race thing. Two privileged white boys – how Hollywood! Last guy gets his mic cut off – rude.

Kacey Musgraves introduces the Buster Scruggs song When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings, sung very simply and rather beautifully by Gillian Welch and David Rawlings.

The long-awaited on-stage reunion of Mike Myers and Dana Carvey is teased…And the boys from Wayne’s World get a standing O to introduce Bo Rap.

Awkwafina and John Mulaney out-suit each other and praise Spike Lee, here to present “a big one” – Best Animated short, which duly goes to Bao – so Pixar do get a consolation prize after that whole Spider-Verse thing.

Awks and Mulaney now have “a good one” – Best Doc Short – take it away Period: End Of Sentence – “I can’t believe a film about menstruation just won an Oscar!” – you’re not the only one! “A period should end a sentence – not a girl’s education.”

OMG – is this host-less thing actually running on time? We’ll see how long that lasts.

Diego Luna and chef Jose Andres are here to “follow the recipe” and introduce Roma.

Paul Rudd and Sarah Paulson – now that’s a good combo – are here for Visual Effects. Are they getting Ant-Man to hand out the award to The Avengers? Apparently not, it goes to the brilliant work on First Man, sadly, its only win of the night.

Bradders and Gaga are on hand – from the front row of the audience no less -  to play the soon to be Oscar winning Shallow – clearest slam dunk of the night. Was from the first time we heard that key change. Apparently, it was pointed out Brad was singing as himself tonight and not as Jackson Maine. Terrific, either way.

Kristen Ritter and Kiki Layne wander onstage to do the Live Action Short thing – which goes to Skin. Lots of people seem to have their parents babysitting tonight.

Sam Jackson and Brie Larson show up to the tune of Shaft to also plug Captain Marvel – a twofer if ever there was one. Sam chats with Spike Lee, who is dressed in purple and wearing a Prince symbol round his neck. They’re here for Best Original Screenplay – which goes to Green Book – making their Best Picture win look more and more certain. And the man who made Dumb and Dumber just won an Oscar – and thanked the “entire state of Rhode Island.”

Sam and Brie hang around for Best Adapted – which surely must the moment they – finally – honour Spike. And…they…do!! Sam is a very happy man. Now let’s see what Spike has to say for himself – he’s been waiting a while. And just said “Do not turn that motherfucking clock on!” His grandma called him “Spikey-poo.” Mentions the 2020 Presidential election ‘let’s all be on the right side of history…Let’s do the right thing…you knew I had to get that in there.!” Triumphant. About bloody time!

Time for some music awards – Tessa Thompson and Michael B. Jordan are here to do the honours, staring with score. OMG – it’s Black Panther again. We did not see that coming. Suddenly, it’s all up in the air again. Panther clearly has a lot of love. Ryan Coogler’s old uni roommate Ludwig Goransson just won his first Oscar.

Keeping the Panther theme dominant – Chadwick Boseman and Constance Wu are here to give Shallow its due. Why are they even playing the others? And Gaga is back on stage – phew! For a moment there we thought it was going to Black Panther. Mark Ronson wears a cool tux and thanks Gaga who can’t obviously thank herself.

Academy Prez John Bailey shows up to do the bit that nobody usually listens to – except this time it’s the In Memoriam bit. Accompanied by the music John Williams. OMG – Burt Reynolds is dead! How did we miss that? OMG – Lalo Schifrin isn’t dead! How did we miss that?

Richard E Grant can console his recent loss by the fact that he’s in the same room right now as Barbra Streisand. Who is the completely unexpected choice to introduce BlacKKKlansman. Who saw that coming. Spike salutes their shared Brooklyn background. And they both love hats.

Alison Janney (she did make it after all) and Gary Oldman saunter on to intro Actor In A Leading Role. It’s between Bale and Malek and we’re pretty sure Malek has it…and he does. Bo Rap now leads the evening in total – four and possibly (?) counting. Rami looks rather pleased, as do Queen (and that woman from EastEnders). As does Lucy Boynton, who wipes lippy off him before he hits the stage. Doesn’t actually mention Freddie by name in the speech. Go on, mention Bryan Singer! We dare you! Really appears to be smitten with Ms Boynton.

Amandla Stenberg and Congressman John Lewis are on hand to do the honours for the last of tonight’s Best Film noms – Green Book.

And so to Best Leading Actress. And who is here to open the envelope? Why, it’s none other than Frances McDormand and a very bald Sam Rockwell – the Three Billboards reunion we’ve all been waiting for. Sorry, Olivia but we all kind of knew it was going Glenn Close’s way. And…boy Glenn – they really don’t like you! Seven times and nothing. The brilliant Olivia Colman wins it, and gives the speech we all hoped she would. “This is not going to happen again!” Blows a raspberry at the “Please wrap up” bit. Bows to Lady Gaga. Speech of the night. Brilliant. We called that one wrong – but really don’t care.

And we’re down to the final two – and we’ll say it now – it’s Alfonso and Green Book.

Director is first – and Guillermo is presenting. Surely a fix! He feels great kinship with this award – and even more so with its winner, one of his oldest amigos. Yes, it’s an Alfonso win. No denying a true genius – even if Roma is not his strongest film. “Being here doesn’t get hold. Being hugged by Guillermo doesn’t get old…”

No gracias for Netflix though. Odd.

The blessed Julia Roberts (also on trend in pink) – still got her own teeth!  - is here for the final award of the night. Close up on the right envelope as she takes the stage. Can’t believe people still think a Green Book win would be an upset. Been obvs for awhile. Black Panther would be an upset. Come on Julia – let us know. And the Academy Award for Best Picture of 2019 goes to…Green Book. Like we told ya!

OK, so we got the whole Black Panther run wrong, and Olivia Colman surprised us and most others. But otherwise, we called it pretty close.

We’re now going to take a two-week gap before it all starts up again.

Come back and see us next year – if we’re still alive!

 

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