Posted Feb 15 2017

Fifty Shades Darker - This Movie Fails To Get Its Rocks Off (Or Anyone Else's)

Dir: James Foley

Starring Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson, Bella Heathcote, Eric Johnson, Eloise Mumford, Rita Ora, KIm Basinger, Marcia Gay Harden

As middle movies go – this is no Empire Strikes Back!

Let’s make this very easy – this is simply not a good film. It doesn’t come from a good place. E L James’s books were at best an odd fad that caught some strange tide in the zeitgeist. You are now going to see this (if you are) because it is there to be seen. Not to be enjoyed, but to check “it” out. You could argue the merits between the original and this sequel – but why protract a conversation that should be dead by now?

These are bad books. They have resulted in bad movies. Hell, this isn’t even good porn. It’s not even good-bad porn! If this is what counts as state of the art erotic cinema right now, bring back the halcyon days of the 1970s soft-core mainstream eruption. Even the Confessions movies were more erotic than this!

Plus, E L James – or possibly her banal screenwriter, Niall Leonard, (who keeps things very close to home, being James’ husband) – thinks she/he are the only ones who ever saw Sliver way back in 1993. And that was a terrible film in and off it’s own right all the way back then, proving nothing has been learned in the intervening ears. And did they really have Johnson (a woman who arches her back more often than she acts here) quote her own mother in Working Girl and then pretend she didn’t? What was that supposed to be? Cute?? It wasn’t, it simply reminded us that Melanie Griffiths is a far finer actor than her very limited daughter, and that Working Girl is a far sexier film than this dross.

Oh, and did we mention the other major flaw here – THESE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS! DOORMATS and IDOTS! (And remarkably unadventurous and bordering on chaste. “Kinky fuckery” my arse!!)

We’ll keep this simple – this movie is critic proof. You’re either going to see “it” or not. And if you do or even did – you’ll know exactly what we mean.


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